I rarely eat doughnuts. But I rarely refuse to eat them if they are offered to me. And the most frequently free doughnuts are Dunkin Donuts Munchkins. The easily recognized box is frequently out for grabs at white-collar jobs, but people don’t just reach in and grab one or a handful indiscriminately. Rather there’s a clear hierarchy that’s respected and followed and goes as follows:
Jelly Filled Munchkin
The sticky diamond in the rough and the jewel in the munchkin crown. A munchkin can’t please all the people all the time but the jelly certainly comes closest.
Glazed Chocolate Munchkin
While I’m not personally a big fan of the chocolate, I definitely respect its place in the hierarchy. This is the only munchkin that dares to be dark and as such deserves considerable kudo-ization.
Glazed Munchkin
Simple and effective, the glazed is the workhorse in this bunch. If only all the lower munchkins could just be glazes, the world would be a better place.
Sugar Munchkin
Sweet, but unpleasantly grainy. A glazed chaser makes it a decent choice, but this is where the doughnut continuum begins to go south.
Powdered Munchkin
Dry and heavy, this a throwback to a simpler, grosser time. Let’s move on America, we’re bigger than this.
Cinnamon Munchkin
Like the powdered munchkin, but with an even drier, less pleasant taste. Good for variety if the muncher is eating a whole lot, although why someone would ever eat a whole lot of Munchkins is unclear.
Plain Munchkin
Ah, the bottom of the barrel, or in this case, the flimsy cardboard box. Few sensations are worse than biting into a jelly munchkin and realizing it is actually a plain munchkin. This is Satan’s favorite way of kicking you in the bottom.
Dear Dunkin Donuts Co.: My suggestions.
Honey munchkin (easy!)
Raspberry munchkin (come on!)
Bear claw munchkin (really, why not?)
Everlasting Doughstopper munchkin (is science there yet?)
I've got Powers... political Powers.
Watching "24" has led me to believe that there should be a game show called "Power(s) Booth(e)," hosted by Powers Boothe. I'm not sure if the 's' and the 'e' should be retained or not. I haven't totally worked out what the show would be about, but contestants would definitely be in a booth, and some sort of staring/intimidation contest with Boothe would probably figure prominently in it.
Theme song: "The Power" by Snap!
Gay basketball dudes watch out
Which sport is the most homophobic? Like most people, I have always believed its figure skating, but I was thrown into doubt a few weeks ago when former NBA star Tim Hardaway told an interviewer he was not fond of the homosexuals.
Ala Billie Jean King vs. Bobby Riggs, I think Hardaway should have a slam dunk contest against the top living gay basketball player (…which is? We probably don’t even know).
Several current NBA stars were quick to point out that in terms of facing prejudice, African Americans should be more sympathetic to homosexuals.
Regardless if you’re black and gay, you’ve got a lot on your plate and good luck to you sir.
If you’re black, gay, and have achondroplasia, you actually chart so high on the prejudice scale that it goes into reverse and you become irrationally beloved by people everywhere instead of hated.
Of course there are only like four or maybe five black gay dwarves in the world. When one is born it’s a cosmic event, like the birth of a new Dalai Lama. Perhaps not as important, but as rare. Granted, I’m not an expert. But I do know more about this subject than any other person in the world.
In closing, let us hope that Hardaway's comments bring about an ultimately positive dialogue about gay athletes, tennis, and the Dalai Lama.
Someone was talking about a standing drinking game in which the two participants have challenged each other irregularly over the years to drink the undrinkable shot. The two take turns making a shot out of no more than two types of alcohol and anything in the kitchen. They each have to down one when its done and if one of them can’t swallow it or throws up, the other wins.
Incredibly the person relating this story said they didn’t name these shots, which in my mind would be the best part. My suggestion was Schlitz, Goldschlagger, and some cheap chili. The shot would be called “The Wreck of the Edmund Schlitzgerald.”
Once-lauded indie band The Chamber Strings have resurfaced after five years away.
Parts of this story are familiar from the lives of so many other troubled musicians, although the parts about singing soul in prison and the Japanese magazine cover make it pretty well worth reading. I was more stricken by the passage of time. I recently had a birthday, and it didn’t make me feel older at all. It’s never those big, reliable, yardstick events that age people.
I heard the Chamber Strings record five years ago. As I remember, it’s nice, far too mannered for my tastes, but accomplished in its way. I’m sure I haven’t listened to it in four years or thought of the band in close to that long. But reading about everything that happened to Junior and the Strings in the interim put the passage of time in context far better than an anniversary could.
Post-barbecue improvised recipe:
Kaiser bun
One slice cheddar cheese
Three grilled banana slices
Copious Jalapeno pepper slices
Barbeque sauce
One Morningstar veggie-burger patty
Postmortem: One grilled banana slice goes a long way. Wow, those things have a powerfully sweet taste to them.
Someone who is not lazy, look this up and tell me it is actually legal:
legal money with dumb crap in place of George's face
So I could get a whole lot of Hitler $1 made and businesses would have to honor them?
And, as a side note, wait, what the fuck, Silverchair, you see that too, right?
